2007 Official Webby Honoree

The Intelligent Designer Speaks

Intelligent Designer Holding Globe

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See and hear the Intelligent Designer in his first interview.We are proud to present excerpts from the first recorded interview with the Intelligent Designer. Get a glimpse of the designer's thoughts on his critics, music, art, evolution, God and the state of the "Work" in general.

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ask the designer

the designer answers user questions

If you are a user of THIS universe and have a valid question you can ask It here.
FROM USER: Rebecca Gabroy

Why aren't humans descendants of monkeys/apes?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

My Dearest Rebecca,

These are interesting bananas you bring me. Many humans consider their ancestors "monkeys" or "apes", at least figuratively, though it is usually more accurate to describe ones children and grandchildren that way, as the little monsters tend toward more simian behavior.

If you watched my interview you would know that while creating this universe I had a lot on my plate, and I didn't start from scratch for each separate sub species...I used what I had and built upon it. I took the good parts of monkey and apes and customized from there - but there is no direct link. After all, it takes a human mother and father to bear a human child.

I prefer to think of humans as "pimped out" apes, and believe me, I spared no expense.

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Professor Cos Mol-Ogy

Inquisitive humans have noticed that 80% of the mass of the universe is missing. Was dark matter a design decision or an oversight?

Relatedly, these same determined gadflys have discovered the expansion of the universe is accelerating. Is dark energy a side effect of your growing head?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

My Dear Cos,

Really, 80%? Are you sure about that?

Think of dark matter as the duct-tape of the universe, the man behind the curtain, the stage hands so deft and quiet, the pins in the lovely fashion model's dress that the camera can't see. I didn't think I used that much. But the instructions said "Sprinkle Liberally" and I guess I took it to heart.

I know it must be disheartening to learn that the universe one lives in is propped up to that extent - but really, the stuff you can see is all that matters (when it comes to matter, pardon the pun.) My apologies in advance for coming up with such a grisly simile, but if you took that lovely fashion model I mentioned above and cut her open she wouldn't be very pretty now, would she? Why go digging into the stuffing of the universe? Just hug the teddy and get on with life.

As to acceleration and expansion of the universe - dark matter is proving to be causing a side effect in my head...a massive hangover.

Creatively yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Mark (Again)

What differences are there between our universe and "ID Land"? (besides the staggering inflation rates)

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Mark,

Any way that I describe "ID Land", as you call it, would invariably be lost in translation. Not that matter isn't still matter, it is - but when one gets right down to it, we "I.D.ers" have a more intricate perception. When I personally view the universes, along with the beings teeming within them, I see more deeply - beneath the surface - almost to what might be called a granular level.

If I choose to I can witness the cause and effect, the cusp between the organic and inorganic, the gulf that spans life and energy as sparks of eternity fly across it.

We have a saying, where I come from, and the most accurate translation I can give you is "Beauty is only string deep."

Besides that we have WAY bigger malls, our houses are huge on the inside but take up very little space on the outside, we are all eternally hip and deliciously thin, unless you choose to "make a statement" like I do.

Plus our kids are already reading in the womb - big brains, you know.

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Mark

Just wondering... Have you ever collaborated with your creations (i.e., us) in improvement on your work?

And what motivated you to make this bloody thing we call the universe?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Mark,

I collaborate with my creations in the same way a painter collaborates with his paints...or maybe a better analogy would be "the way a child collaborates with his ant farm". It's far too late for suggestions from the peanut gallery in any case.

Well, actually, some of my creation have hit me up to collaborate on certain projects - when they need a little boost, some support, a nudge, inspiration. When I do oblige it's simply because of my own vanity - it looks good when the kids do well, adds to the old resume. I would never let THEM be sure that I even really helped, such fragile egos.

(By the way, sorry about any negative sway that those little boosts may have caused - I know that every time I meddle a whole slew of myth and superstition crops up. But now that the cat's out of the bag a bunch of these issues will clear right up...NOT!)

As to my motivations? Read the rest of my responses - art...just...IS!

Creatively Yours,

The Designer

p.s. The whole NOT joke? That was my idea.


FROM USER: Ron

Looking back over billions of years and the variety of organisms no longer around, are humans part of a planned obsolescence process leading to something more intersting?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Ron,

On a cosmic scale I have what you would refer to as a short attention span (some would say Universal ADHD.) To a designer with my talents and drive there are always more interesting things on which to concentrate; other projects to tackle, other organisms to design, a better mousetrap to complement a better mouse.

To me, organisms like Humans don't really become obsolete, they just go out of fashion.

All the universe is a runway, work it!

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Daniel

Human arms: Why only two? When I'm working on my car I often need three or four. Additional arms would be handy while making love also. I think the Hindu deities had the right idea: four left arms, four right arms.

Why did we end up with only two arms?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dearest Daniel,

The simple fact is I did not want to burden the species in your line with a base 15 number system. It takes much longer for things to get interesting. The poor whales, intelligent though they are, due to a quirk of fate (or, as my critics would say, sloppiness - don't get me started on how hard it is to justify an unstable piece of artwork to a critic) are forced to use base two - and they aren't exactly ruling the planet now, are they?

As to having "Hindu Deity" appendages, think of the tailoring costs - and how hard it is to match colors when you have blue skin.

Here's an idea, use those two arms of yours to earn enough money to buy a six-pack of beer. Invite two friends over to help, and voila! six hands make light work...or in your case, six hands make car work.

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: G Krupey

Question: If you had made men and women more alike or even hermaphroditic, you could had avoided centuries of sexism and all its related problems. Instead, you made them as different as day and night, ensuring conflict and unfairness. Was this because you used such poor materials (some clay for the man, the man's rib for the woman) or because you had no idea what you were doing?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

G.

First of all, you are assuming I want to avoid problems.

I did create sex...but I did not create sexism per-se (though creating sex in the first place kind of set the stage for that possibility.) When your culture matures I predict that what you call "sexism" won't be considered a negative, but simply a truism that is embraced and harnessed for true advancement.

This "sexism" is basic to the dynamic by which all life in your universe evolves. Take my word for it, hermaphroditic cultures are BORING, and I'm not about boring - my creation is dynamic and powerful, I never said it would be fair.

Also, I used the very best materials. Don't get caught up in metaphor, it doesn't serve a mature society well. (You culture may not be mature, but you can always start now, eh?)

Creatively yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Chris

What's up with all the mass extinctions? Did you get pissed off about something, or was it sabotage by some jealous other designer?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Chris,

Sometimes one must "paint over the canvas" - in addition to correcting mistakes, or changes in taste, the process itself adds texture. (I'm not necessarily having a hissy fit when I make the changes that you term "mass extinction"...but I'm not above an enthusiastic adjustment here or there, it's quite cathartic.)

As to those "other designers"; of course they are jealous. I suspect that some of them are putting their fingers into my creation, but I haven't been able to catch them yet.

No respect, really.

Keep your eyes peeled for me - report any suspicious activity.

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Joe

If I am traveling in a vehicle at the speed of light and I flip on my headlights...do they do anything?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dearest Joe,

Just who was it that sold you a vehicle that can "travel at the speed of light?"

Don't trust the grays, they are like silver nitrate mixed into the paint of the world - and though it may be photorealistic, metaphorically the world is not a photograph.

They don't belong there/here.

Creatively Yours

The Designer


FROM USER: Barbara

Since we live in such an intelligently designed universe, why do such stupid things take place, such as (having) George Bush as president?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Barbara,

To paraphrase a recent saying; "Stupid Happens." I never have claimed to "control" the order of the universe. Since its creation I have only guided its growth. Without stupid users the not-stupid users wouldn't stand out at your level. (At my level I can hardly tell the difference between one user and another.)

Besides, calling your son "stupid" is denigrating one of my most ardent fans. (If you're not THAT Barbara - remember, I've never claimed to be omniscient.)

Creatively Yours

The Designer


FROM USER: Jack

Why did you shape humans the way you did? Was it a marketing image, or just something off the top your head? Would you change it now you've seen it in action?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Jack,

Sometimes a design simply evolves (I know that sounds hypocritical, me being the Designer and all.)

I can't claim that my inspiration for your form, or the forms of all other life, are the result of careful research or planning. To use a human colloquialism that you can relate to, I "Shoot from the hip." I certainly wouldn't actively change the shape, as with many artists I become more fond of my work the longer it exists, and once the work is committed to a tangible form the work becomes it's own justification.

It simply is.

But focusing on the physical human form is missing the greater subtleties within the work. The interactions and growth beyond the form - below the surface - is where the real art is taking place. Notice how diverse humans are in general, in the micro, billions of individuals. But in the macro - no matter their culture, no matter their association of territory or "race" (don't even get me started on the race thing) - humans share the same dreams and fears, hopes and loves.

Read any story throughout history and you will realize that NOTHING changes in the core of being - and that is your pallet.

Use it well.

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: James

Why did you design the band Rammstein? Why did you make hitler?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear James,

I didn't design any one person, just as I didn't personally design you. But I did make you possible.

As to both Hitler and Rammstein - the formation of bands, or megalomaniacal autocracies and dictatorships (often considered to be very similar) are acts of free will. You too, James, are also free to start a band...or invade Poland. But I don't believe that those endeavors would be a good choice for you either.

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Alex

You mentioned that you were given a grant to fund your project. How much was the grant for?

Thanks. btw, nice job. I thought you're only weakness was our teeth. You could have a done a better job here - grow more sets than two for example.

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Alex,

Regarding the Grant - Relative valuations are tricky...imagine all the money in your world, and multiply that by the highest number you can imagine...then double it.

The result of your equation would be equivalent to the TIP at the restaurant where I took the committee to get them tanked up as a thank you for approving my proposal. (I am known to throw fabulous parties, I think that's why they gave me the "thumbs up".)

As to the teeth...all I can say is FLOSS.

And no, they didn't really have thumbs.

Creatively Yours,

The Designer


FROM USER: Donald

As the designer of the universe (by the way: loving breasts) what are your thoughts on human designers? Especially video game designers/writer/directors who themselves create universes, and do you think there works are as legit as yours? Why or why not?

Who are you, and where do come from? What is reality, and do you live on a higher plane? Is there any inherent meaning to life? If you are the designer, then who exactly is God, and what does HE do, what is the nature of your existence? How do I get girls to like me?

What is your name? It can't be "The Designer" - who names there kid "The Designer"?

Did you instill the potential for humans to themselves become a Designer of universes? (Books, games, movies, tv doesn't count)

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Donald,

You are really into asking questions. That may have been a mistake, that whole "inquisitive" attribute. It was cute in monkeys and cats, but can get annoying when combined with verbalization.

Your first question had to do with my opinion of the legitimacy of human designers/creators. Let me put this in a way that you can understand. When a human child paints a picture and their mommy puts it on the fridge, mommy may think it's great...but she KNOWS it's no Picasso. (Even Picasso's mom wasn't that impressed, even after he made it big.)

All that aside, I encourage my creation to create, because most of the good stuff I can take credit for, and it adds value to the work.

Second, you asked the basic question that everyone asks (What's the meaning of life...blah, blah, blah ad nauseam)...and my answer is always "If you need me to explain it, you just don't understand the piece." I mean really, everything is right there for the taking. I've never been into subtext.

It is also convenient you asked about girls AND God together, because as far as I'm concerned, in each case you are on your own.

My name IS "The Designer" - hubris on my parents part (much like users who name their kids "Doctor" or "President") but I did live up to it. Of course you couldn't really pronounce my actual name - as the true pronunciation of my name has a four-dimensional resonance that can't be experienced on your plane.

Finally, sure, go for it - make a universe, shoot for the superclusters...there are no limits.

Creatively yours,

The Designer

P.S. I'm glad you like them (That's 14,569,322,987 positive comments on breasts so far.)


FROM USER: Dick Busch

What was that whole "Sodom 'n Gomorrah" thing?

Were you having, like, a bad hair day, or what?

THE DESIGNER REPLIES

Dear Richard,

I know what you are referring to, and I guarantee you that I'm no longer the kind of designer that indulges in tantrums. Besides, you really can't believe everything you read in the tabloids - especially that Gutenberg rag.

Creatively yours,

The Designer


Have a question? Ask It here!

Again, we stress that The Designer is by no means obligated to answer any questions.

2007 Webby Honoree

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